The Many Faces Of Anger

Having over thirty years experience as a psychotherapist, I
have seen anger expressed in many of its forms, by omission and
commission. Usually we have a way of expressing anger that is
our signature, that is a way of being angry that we resort to
over and over again, when we are in conflict. Habits have power
because usually, we are unaware and we react unconsciously or
automatically. Think for instance of where you place your
tooth-brush. Every morning you reach in the same direction,
without conscious thought unless it has been moved. Moving it
breaks the automatic habit, as you become aware and notice you
have to reach in a different direction. Many of our daily
routines are similar response, i.e. automatic.
Like feelings in general, anger in and of itself is not good or
bad. Its just a feeling. Feelings well up in us, as urges to go
to the bathroom well up, without conscious invitation. It’s what
you do with the feelings that will make a difference in the
quality of your life and how it affects those near and dear.
Most of us do not know, how to express anger appropriately,
we’ve never been taught. Anger is feared, denied, projected and
denounced. Often people associate any expression of anger with
the extreme end of the spectrum, that of violence. Often and
especially in relationships, it is the inability to express
anger properly, that can escalate into violence.
On an anger spectrum; at one end we see irritability,
grumpiness, negativity, criticism, resentment and judgemental
behavior. These are milder forms of anger, but anger
nonetheless. Our society seems to be more tolerant of the lesser
forms, and our family conditioning allows it. Maybe because it
is so prevalent, it is not addressed for what it really is,
inappropriate anger. In the middle, is anger that has less
intensity and is more amenable to appropriate expression. As it
moves towards the other side, we encounter greater intensity as
rage, fury, indignation and wrath. These levels of anger
indicate on some level, a loss of control, a level of
destructiveness verging on madness and violence. Wrath often
implies not only rage and moral indignation but also a desire to
punish. So where are you on this spectrum? Generally every
individual has a troublesome spot. I read a quote from a Master
who lived in the mountains. He answered several of life’s hard
questions for the inquirer without hesitation. When asked how to
handle anger, he broke his walking stick in half and bellowed
“Do you think I’d be living alone in this deserted place if I
had the answer to that?” Sooner or later we all have to come
down from the mountain, and deal with fellow humans in the
market place. Someone is invariably going to step on our toe, ….
it!!
As a clinician, except for violent people, who take an extreme
position and I very seldom work with, it’s the “nice nice’ anger
avoiders, or deniers that give me the most trouble. If you are
not willing or able to become aware of how you act out or
project your anger, its like pulling teeth. They deny their
anger, or fear it and fear it in others. They are also more
likely to project it onto others. Not me, but them. Often
avoiders have since childhood pushed down any version of angry
feelings and may not be able to identify how it reveals itself
in their lives. Maybe in childhood they were afraid to express,
or lived in a violent home where an individual expressing could
lead to violence. Nobody helped them differentiate violence from
normal levels of dissatisfaction.
Sometimes it’s a woman living the “Christian Way”, who has
mistakenly misinterpreted assertiveness and personal power, as
aggressive, and non Christian. This is a hard nut to crack. One
woman with the above profile, had Bible quote answers for many
things including “turning the other cheek”. She however loved to
attend boxing matches, and football games. She was videoed by
her son, yelling “kill him, kill him” when she got fired up at
these public spectator sports. Monday morning she was back to
her “other cheek” way. She was unable to connect the dots as to
how she projected her denied rage onto others. Her three
children felt unheard, and experienced having no permission to
express anything that wasn’t sweetness and light in her
presence. When they grew to young adulthood, they limited their
contact with her. She asked over and over “why are you upset
with me?” “I haven’t done anything” She couldn’t express her own
anger, and caused her children and others about her to feel
guilty when they had their feelings. This mother was in fact a
crazy maker, and it was sane of the children to keep their
distance. She controlled others and frustrated them with
avoidance, forgetting, being self righteous, thwarting plans,
being late, etc. This behavior is so nebulous, one can’t get it
out of the vapors, and make sense of it. You feel the disconnect
with reality, but its hard for the average person to put a
finger on exactly what is going on. Even in treatment such
people usually have to be in a life altering crisis, to
surrender their mask or ego, long enough to see the cracks in
their cosmic egg.
I’m much prefer to work with anger that is available. Sometimes
it is not pretty, its down right toxic, however its more
available for exploration and change, than the suppressed and
the denied. Anger is passion which indicates there is energy
available for work if a person is ready to change. It is a big
“if” due to the fact some people are addicted to anger. In the
moment of their explosion, they feel powerful and for others it
is a “rush” a high, that makes them feel at least temporarily
more alive. The habit of anger then feeds the addiction as they
get a surge of adrenalin and other feel good hormones. At this
point it becomes more than a bad habit, its emotional
excitement. You know of people who create some drama when life
evens out. For people who rely on their anger in this way, the
intense feelings keep their life from being dull, because they
haven’t learned other ways of experiencing personal power.
You and I know that daily we rub up against situations that can
if we allow it will trigger our anger. As matter of fact if we
reacted to every opportunity to become angry, we’d be constantly
angry. How about people who carry a well of shame, a high level
of sensitivity and low self esteem. The slightest criticism sets
off all three of the above stated characteristics. It can become
explosive and blaming as well as projected on to whomever gets
in their way. Usually their buttons have been pushed and inside
of the raging adult is a child possessed, feeling vulnerable and
out of control. Road rage is such an example. “How dare you cut
me off, as others cut me off in the past, and I am justified in
my rage toward you and a wanting to hurt you.” Of course all of
this isn’t thought out, it a reaction to what is smoldering in
the persons unconscious. The evidence of what is in the
unconscious is the menancing, excessive, out of proportion , out
of control behavior.
Some people suffer from black and white thinking, failing to be
flexible enough to include others who are different. This
concrete way of looking at a the world is quite prevalent in
children until the age of reason. Some people get stuck at this
level of development, and have a simplistic view of the world.
This group spews moralistic anger towards others, when those
others have broken the rules. Its as if they have a patent on
what is right in the world and in order to protect it, they make
others wrong. The offenders are labeled by this self-righteous
group as bad, evil, wicked, sinful and deserve to be punished.
So if one is different from the tribe, or from the church group,
one may be harshly judged. It is interesting at times to look at
the lives of the judges of how others should be. The ridigity of
the frame they put around how others should live, is often
frightening. What is more frightening is that this kind of
thinking and anger is very prevalent in out society, at every
level, from the highest offices to the person in the street.
Such people claim moral superiority.
Hate happens when a person doesn’t resolve anger and allows no
window of compassion or forgiveness to enter. Its really a
hardened anger when one person decides that another person in
totally wrong or evil or both. Its usually the cause of ongoing
rumination, in the hater, who despises the offender and won’t
let go or soften towards him or her. Sometimes the hater
experiences secondary gain by seeing themselves as innocent and
a victim.
You may see yourself in one or more of the examples I have
given. You may wonder if you are able to change a life long
habit of this nature. The first step is to become aware of what
you do and how you do it. If you have an intention and
willingness to change the way you express anger, it is certainly
doable. Next time I’ll start with tools to address different
modes of anger and the problems it causes in your life.


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