"The truth is, red is not your color. No, of course I’m nottrying to hurt your feelings…you want me to be honest don’tyou?"When you are recipient of this kind of honesty you have to asksome questions: Is this person having a bad day? Is this just aninstance of poor social skills or low self-esteem? Is this acase of competition or is it just payback time?Several emotions and behaviors come disguised as honesty:Anger, revenge, justification, judgment, and low self-esteem.When someone justifies his or her honesty there is probably someconflicting intention behind it. How do you read between thelines? Here are some of the warning signs that reveal anothertruth: Honesty justified is a half-truth.I just have to be honest…"I just have to be honest," is a warning sign that you havemight have been deceived. It happens in personalrelationships when the intentions are contradictory. Forexample, "I just have to be honest, I never really cared foropera in the first place." In the ears of the listener thehidden truth is this: "I have lied to you, led you on andpretended to enjoy opera in order to please you and win yourapproval, but now that you are hooked, I’m ready to get real."Until you are aware of these conflicting intentions you createpatterns of discord. Gary Zukav, author of Seat of the Soul saysthat we are unable choose our intentions consciously until weare conscious of each of the different aspects of ourselves. "Ifyou are not conscious of each part of yourself you will have theexperience of wanting to say, or to intend, one thing, and findyourself saying or intending something else. You will desire torelease a painful pattern from your experience, and see itreappear yet again."Few people are self aware enough to be honest. Honesty isuncomfortable. It means honoring feelings and examiningintentions. Anger is often cloaked in honesty with the hiddenintention of revenge: "Well it’s the truth!""I don’t enjoy going to the opera with you anyway.You don’tknow how to dress, your manners are boorish, and it’s obviousyou are outclassed. Well…it’s the truth!" Have you ever noticedthat "well, it’s the truth," is always said after delivering aslam?Anger disguised as honesty reveals hidden judgments, i.e. Ihave overlooked so many flaws including your lack of class, yourwhite socks and high water pants. It hacks me off that youdidn’t recognize my superiority.You may not be consciously aware of your intentions of revenge,i.e. you have hurt my feelings and now I want to hurt yours. Nowonder we all believe the old adage, "the truth hurts."Neil Donald Walsh, in his book Conversations With God, says,"Feelings are neither negative nor destructive. They are simplytruths. How you express your truth is what matters."Harriet Learner, in her book The Dance of Deception, says,"Much of what we call telling the truth, involves anunproductive effort to change, convince or convert anotherperson rather than an attempt to clarify our own selves." Thistells me that truth is about representing ourselves and notplacing demands and judgments on others.Well, to be honest…The other honesty issues happen in business. On a follow upcall you hear; "Well to be honest…" (The writing is on the wallwhen a prospect begins a sentence with that phrase.) Decisionmakers pretend they are interested in a product or service thatthey have no intention of buying, yet instead of speaking thetruth up front, they pass out false hope and waste the time ofthe persistent sales person.However, persistence facilitates truth telling. When someonesays, "Well to be honest," what they really mean is this: "Ihave pretended to be interested in your product or service, andeven though I am the decision maker, I didn’t have the backboneto say bug-off. It seemed easier to lead you on, than to admitthat I wasn’t interested. It was my intention that myprocrastination would wear you down, but in reality, yourpersistence forced me to be honest."You come to the conclusion that honesty is not only a heartbreaker but also a time-waster. And yet the only way to seethrough the deception is to become more honest yourself.Now is the moment to ask some life-changing questions:• Do I lead people on because it’s easier than being honest?• Do I use honesty as an excuse to express anger?• Do I understand my intentions when I express my honesty?• What other truths are unspoken in my honesty?Depok Chopra says, "pain isn’t the truth, it’s what mortals gothrough to find the truth."If we honor our feelings and examine our intentions beforeexpressing our truth, our honesty will be softer, kinder andwill be the kind of truth that sets us free.AAGEKSBPTHQM
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