Do You Know Your Anger Management Style?

There are 3 basic styles of anger management: The suppressor,
the venter, and the manager or director. Although parents will
find that they use each style in their everyday life, they will
find that one of these styles are more dominate than the others.
The source of these styles is a mix of environment and genetics.
Certain temperament types are more likely to demonstrate one or
more of these styles than others. And the culture, family, and
society also play a role. But the most important factor in
determining how a parent came to use one style or another in
their most intimate relationships, namely with their children,
is through learning. All of the styles of anger management are
learned styles. And, if they were learned, they can be unlearned
or relearned. What this implies is that parents are not stuck
with their particular style of anger management but can learn to
better manage or direct their anger.
The suppressor style sits on or suppresses anger. Parents with
this style of anger management have learned that anger is all
bad, therefore it must be eliminated. But anger is a God-given,
natural emotion that cannot be eliminated. Consequently, parents
bottle up their anger until it reaches the boiling point and
they explode over the smallest, insignificant situation. Parents
with this style tend to deny feeling or expressions of anger in
their life. They are worried about what others might think or
say if they were to express their anger. Their trigger thoughts
include needing others to always approve of them or see them in
positive light. They might also have grown up in a family with a
venting parent. As a result, they might have learned to suppress
their anger for fear of retaliation or made a personal vow never
to be like their parent.
The ventor style is at the opposite end of the anger management
continuim. Unlike the suppressor, this person freely and
uncontrollably expresses their anger. They take no prisoners and
have no mercy in the heat of the moment. Anyone and everyone can
be a target for their verbal or physical expressions of anger.
They often describe themselves as feeling "flooded" or under the
control of their emotions which results in them acting
out-of-control. They usually feel quilty and remorseful for
their expressions of anger after the fact and may make promises
to change. These people have learned that anger is a quick and
effective way to control others or get what they want. Young
children learn that temper tantrums will get them the candy or
toy they desire and adults find out that anger outburst will get
cooperation from children, however temporary the cooperation
might be. The need for power and control are usually at the
center of their thoughts. Inversely, they are often very
insecure and feel powerless in their life unless they are
venting at others. Ventors suffer interpersonally. As other
avoid their outburst, they become isolated and alone. This too
may result in more venting.
The last style is the manager or director style of anger
management. The parent with this style of anger is aware of his
anger but uses it in a constructive manner. He does not bottle
it up like the suppressor or freely blast it like the ventor.
Instead the manager will acknowledge their emotion and use the
energy to create a change in their situation or relationship.
For example, a parent might state: "I am very angry that the
toys have not been picked up." The manager or director
communicates in an assertive manner by stating what they want
and not what they don't want. They might tell their child: "I
want you to pick up all of these toys or I will have to put them
away for a while." They do not blame or shame a child to gain
their cooperation. While this might work in the short-term it
usually fails to produce lasting cooperation. Instead it breeds
resentment and revenge. Manager or directors do not follow the
myths of anger management ("If you get it out it will go away"
and "All anger is bad"). And most importantly, managers and
directors detect, dispute, and discriminate any irrational
thoughts that might trigger their anger. They are aware of what
pushes their buttons and are able, with practice, to disconnect
this faulty learning.


Source: http://www.isnare.com

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