Forgive For Less Marital Anger

Stacy’s partner of twelve years does not come home one evening
and she knew he was with a former lover. He begged for another
chance with Stacy, but her pride and anger held her back. Stacy
said she would feel like a fool if she forgave him, even though
she still loved him. Stacy didn’t end the relationship, but
reminds him daily of what he did to her.
Should Stacy forgive her otherwise good husband for what he
did? Of course, only Stacy can make this decision.
Fact is, most marriages cannot survive knowledge of an affair,
but some do and can even grow stronger in the long run.
Stacy and others who struggle with forgiveness for all kinds of
marital offenses (not only affairs) can be helped in their
decision by considering the following misconceptions about
forgiveness:
MISCONCEPTION #1
Forgiving means that you forget about the offense.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Even though you
forgive, you may never forget (and probably shouldn’t) what
happened to you.
However, you can tell that you have truly forgiven an offense
when you can remember it without experiencing the emotional pain
connected with it.
MISCONCEPTION #2
Forgiving means that you are saying what they did was okay.
Quite the opposite. We can still forgive, but see what happened
to us as unjust, unfair, or unacceptable.
There are many things that our partners can do to us that we
don’t deserve or that violate the contract, covenant, or
agreement you have with each other.
Yet, we can forgive by realizing that perhaps they were
misguided, or flawed and thus worthy of another chance.
MISCONCEPTION #3
In order to forgive, you need to tell your partner that you
forgive them.
Actually, it often backfires if you go up to someone and say “I
forgive you,” especially if they see themselves as a victim
instead of seeing themselves as someone who warrants
forgiveness.
Fact is, forgiveness occurs in your heart— not in the telling
someone that you forgive them.
There are exceptions to this, however, and circumstances under
which you might want to discuss your forgiveness of them—but
only if you think that it will not cause further harm.
For instance, Ruth’s husband asked for her forgiveness
following a gambling spree which put the family in financial
peril. After one year of rehabilitation and a “clean” record,
Ruth told him that she now forgave him.
MISCONCEPTION #4
If you forgive, it means you will trust them again immediately.
Forgiveness and trust are two separate issues. Even after
forgiveness, it may take a long time to re-build trust.
To instantly trust your partner again after being violated is
not a sign of good mental health or strong self-esteem.
Doing this may also send a message to your partner that they
may continue to violate your trust with little fear of actually
having to suffer the consequences.
Marital trust must be re-earned after an offense, based on good
behavior— not just smooth words or empty promises.
MISCONCEPTION #5
After forgiving, you will automatically feel positive feelings
again for your partner.
The opposite of anger is not love. Absence of angry feelings
doesn’t necessarily create warm, positive feelings— sometimes it
simply creates neutral ones.
In many cases, of course, it is impossible to ever rekindle the
love feelings— even after forgiveness. This is common with
ex-partners who learn to let go of the
anger connected with the divorce issues, but never love each
other again.
MISCONCEPTION #6
Forgiveness occurs all at once.
Not necessarily. Maybe you can start by forgiving maybe
10%—just open the door—and then see how your partner behaves.
After a period of time, you might open the door a little wider
and let go of a little more anger until you are truly able to
forgive 100%

Source: http://www.isnare.com

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