Let's talk about anger management. If you feel that anger deepdown in you, how do you deal with it? A lot of times you may sitand think about it. What I do to deal with my anger is to sitand think of ways on how to resolve it.
If we are angry at other people, we tend to lash at them rightthere and then, but when we are angry at people close to ourhearts we usually keep silent while thinking how to deal withthe situation. If you are angry at your husband, what do you do?You may talk endlessly without even thinking about the wordsthat come out of your mouth.
If you are used to doing that, you may probably realize by nowthat it didn't do you any good. No conflict was resolved and itprobably made matters worse. If you talk a lot when you'reangry, you tend to say things that you don't really mean, andyou end up hurting him more. Communication experts suggest thatin situations like this you communicate using the “I feel”sentences and not the “you did” sentences.
“I feel so angry” is an example of “I feel” sentences, and onthe other hand an example of a “you did” sentence is “You makeme angry.” See the difference?
So what do you then? Do you do nothing and keep it to yourself?You could find a way to deal with your anger through thefollowing thoughts:
1. Being angry is just a feeling.
You usually get angry when you feel pain. So treat anger as anemotion that you feel to help you deal with your pain. Inessence, anger an emotion that helps you feel better because youhave an avenue to express your feeling.
2. Your anger is yours and it does not belong to someone else,especially to the one that you are angry with.
Let's say that you're angry at your husband. You may think thatyou are angry with him, but the issue could be just because of amemory of your past relationships with men or even with yourparents.
But if you are really angry because of how your husband treatedyou and you got hurt, then don't tolerate it. Deal with it by:
3. Not just venting out your feelings but by sharing it.
You want to feel better, right? That's why you need to sharingyour feelings. Doing so would make you feel closer with yourhusband. You're respecting him enough by telling him about howyou feel instead of attacking him. It's okay to let himunderstand the gravity of your pain, but don't do it like youwould a confrontation.
These may be little ideas that are really simple. But it's thesimple things that grow. Rid yourself of those negative emotionsand you create for yourself more space for love and healing.
.
Source: http://www.isnare.com
Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=300305&ca=Self+Help
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Energetic Healing of My Own Anger
In my years of doing Access Energy Transformation I have seenso many dramatic changes in my life of more ease in everything Ido, increased psychic abilities, greater charisma, personalpower that I had never believed that I had and a variety ofabilities that are too many to mention.
One part of my life was not progressing at the same way thatwas my resentments towards others. It seemed as much as I wascreating ease, joy and glory in my life an anger towards others,my past and worst, the people that I cared for the most wasalways working against my growth. It was one of those placesthat I could not resolve; therapy, inner exploration and thestandard access clearings seemed to not work. My resentments andmistrusts were always a monkey on my back that never fully wentaway.
My girlfriend who is very perceptive told me that there is adeep rage within me that I had yet to explore. She could feel itand it made her feel uncomfortable. I responded, “I’m not thatangry! Sure I have my resentments but that is not inner rage.Besides, I have gone into my childhood and I understood theabuses that occurred to me. I have come to peace with them.”
My girlfriend did not share my point of view. She was leavingfor two months to work in another country and asked that Iexplore those hidden places within me. Respectfully I began tolook into that process.
A friend gave me some good advice about anger, “Allow it, anddon’t judge it, experience it and it will go.” It was a goodstart but there was more that I needed.
A few days later is was listening to an Access CD by GaryDouglas on the topic of Anger. As usual Gary said something thatwas profoundly what I needed to hear. He said, “I would keeppushing into the barriers and open up my woundedness,experiencing the intensity that most would label as pain. Eachtime I did and allowed it to be I found within me a greaterpower and a bigger being.”
In an instant I knew that was what I needed to know. With thatnugget of knowledge I embarked on a fearless journey within me.I was beginning a nine-day spring break holiday and since mygirlfriend was gone I would have a lot of time to myself.
Whenever a resentment, anger or a heavy feeling would pop intomy mind I would stop and ask a question, “What is this about?”Then I would sit and wait. The energy of the anger would appearmuch like Gary described. I would feel the intensity of theexperience and most of the time the memories of the past wouldcome to mind. Instead of judging it I would feel it as fully aspossible and embrace the experience.
After a while I would ask, “Is there a deeper origin to thisanger and where is the source of that?” I would wait again.Generally a new intensity of energy would appear and afterwaiting I would get the information of what happened to createit. It appeared that my body wanted me to release this and wasdoing whatever it took to guide my awareness to it. When Ireleased the anger my body always felt better, more vibrant. Theolder suppressed anger was generally more intense but I used thesame strategy of allowing it to be. Then after I perceived thatI had experienced all of it I would begin doing Access clearingson the repressed energetic experiences.
After I did the clearings I would experience a huge releasethat felt great. In a few days I found that suddenly I washaving hardly any resentments. I also found that my mistrustingfeelings towards others were diminishing as well. I was justhappy and content. What I discovered that almost all of myday-to-day frustrations had an origin from the past and reallyhad little to do with my present day challenges. It felt likenothing really bothered me anymore or for least very long.
It was amazing experiencing my traumas that I had feared all ofmy life. I had created so many internal messages to avoid fromthese ‘bad’ memories and repressed them even more. What I hadlearned is that these memories became an energetic implant thatmanipulated me to draw in more fears, dramas and anger as a wayto reenenergize the older pain. When they cleared it felt like aremoving the bottom blocks of a pyramid my limitations werecrashing down all around me.
Within a few days my body was feeling completely different. Itwas light like an inner space had opened. When I did meditationsor communing with nature it felt as if I was truly a part of theforest or the universe it self. A cosmos was happening withinme, I began to know what the god source within was like for me. The suppressed angers were like energetic boulders that cut offmy receiving to this infinite reality and probably much more.Now I can access this expanded self any time I choose to be it.
As I work with others using these tools I see radically dynamicresults. Access had always worked in big ways but clearing thesuppressed anger got to the core of so many issues with people. They happily reported stories of how much happier and expandedtheir lives were. I delighted in their accomplishments.
Interestingly my business immediately picked up to a new level.Suddenly people began to come to see me out of nowhere. The biginner space of me was pulling them in. My life has been growingin a wonderful way with less effort, with more joy andabundance.
Source: http://www.isnare.com
Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=305487&ca=Self+Help
One part of my life was not progressing at the same way thatwas my resentments towards others. It seemed as much as I wascreating ease, joy and glory in my life an anger towards others,my past and worst, the people that I cared for the most wasalways working against my growth. It was one of those placesthat I could not resolve; therapy, inner exploration and thestandard access clearings seemed to not work. My resentments andmistrusts were always a monkey on my back that never fully wentaway.
My girlfriend who is very perceptive told me that there is adeep rage within me that I had yet to explore. She could feel itand it made her feel uncomfortable. I responded, “I’m not thatangry! Sure I have my resentments but that is not inner rage.Besides, I have gone into my childhood and I understood theabuses that occurred to me. I have come to peace with them.”
My girlfriend did not share my point of view. She was leavingfor two months to work in another country and asked that Iexplore those hidden places within me. Respectfully I began tolook into that process.
A friend gave me some good advice about anger, “Allow it, anddon’t judge it, experience it and it will go.” It was a goodstart but there was more that I needed.
A few days later is was listening to an Access CD by GaryDouglas on the topic of Anger. As usual Gary said something thatwas profoundly what I needed to hear. He said, “I would keeppushing into the barriers and open up my woundedness,experiencing the intensity that most would label as pain. Eachtime I did and allowed it to be I found within me a greaterpower and a bigger being.”
In an instant I knew that was what I needed to know. With thatnugget of knowledge I embarked on a fearless journey within me.I was beginning a nine-day spring break holiday and since mygirlfriend was gone I would have a lot of time to myself.
Whenever a resentment, anger or a heavy feeling would pop intomy mind I would stop and ask a question, “What is this about?”Then I would sit and wait. The energy of the anger would appearmuch like Gary described. I would feel the intensity of theexperience and most of the time the memories of the past wouldcome to mind. Instead of judging it I would feel it as fully aspossible and embrace the experience.
After a while I would ask, “Is there a deeper origin to thisanger and where is the source of that?” I would wait again.Generally a new intensity of energy would appear and afterwaiting I would get the information of what happened to createit. It appeared that my body wanted me to release this and wasdoing whatever it took to guide my awareness to it. When Ireleased the anger my body always felt better, more vibrant. Theolder suppressed anger was generally more intense but I used thesame strategy of allowing it to be. Then after I perceived thatI had experienced all of it I would begin doing Access clearingson the repressed energetic experiences.
After I did the clearings I would experience a huge releasethat felt great. In a few days I found that suddenly I washaving hardly any resentments. I also found that my mistrustingfeelings towards others were diminishing as well. I was justhappy and content. What I discovered that almost all of myday-to-day frustrations had an origin from the past and reallyhad little to do with my present day challenges. It felt likenothing really bothered me anymore or for least very long.
It was amazing experiencing my traumas that I had feared all ofmy life. I had created so many internal messages to avoid fromthese ‘bad’ memories and repressed them even more. What I hadlearned is that these memories became an energetic implant thatmanipulated me to draw in more fears, dramas and anger as a wayto reenenergize the older pain. When they cleared it felt like aremoving the bottom blocks of a pyramid my limitations werecrashing down all around me.
Within a few days my body was feeling completely different. Itwas light like an inner space had opened. When I did meditationsor communing with nature it felt as if I was truly a part of theforest or the universe it self. A cosmos was happening withinme, I began to know what the god source within was like for me. The suppressed angers were like energetic boulders that cut offmy receiving to this infinite reality and probably much more.Now I can access this expanded self any time I choose to be it.
As I work with others using these tools I see radically dynamicresults. Access had always worked in big ways but clearing thesuppressed anger got to the core of so many issues with people. They happily reported stories of how much happier and expandedtheir lives were. I delighted in their accomplishments.
Interestingly my business immediately picked up to a new level.Suddenly people began to come to see me out of nowhere. The biginner space of me was pulling them in. My life has been growingin a wonderful way with less effort, with more joy andabundance.
Source: http://www.isnare.com
Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=305487&ca=Self+Help
Anger in Children: When is it a Problem?
Anger is a normal emotion that every happy healthy adult andchild has to deal with from time to time. When does expressinganger become a problem? Children go through different stageswith their age that affect the way they deal with anger. Angeris usually not a root emotion, but a term that may coverfeelings ranging from embarrassment, frustration, loneliness toguilt. A newborn baby expresses their "anger" or frustrationover being hungry, tired or uncomfortable by screaming andcrying. A two-year-old may throw tantrums that include rollingaround on the floor or trying to hit the parent, sibling or eventheir pet. As a child gets older, hopefully proper responses toanger have been modeled for them and they can learn to expresstheir anger more appropriately.
Anger becomes a problem when it causes negative, aggressivebehavior, gets out of control and when the root cause of theproblem isn't being dealt with. For instance, often childrenwith undiagnosed learning disabilities will have frequent angryoutbursts. They may be feeling frustrated because they arestruggling to learn and it may feel like the world is closing inon them when parents or teachers suggest that they aren't tryinghard enough or doing their best. Because the child isn't able todeal with the real issue, they become angry over small incidentsthat would normally be insignificant. This helps them to avoidfeeling "stupid" or incapable. Once the problem is discoveredand the child gets the help, support and proper discipline thatis needed, the angry outbursts become less frequent or disappearaltogether.
It is important that children learn how to express theiremotions in a healthy and constructive manner. A child shouldnever be told that their feelings are wrong, though they mayneed reminding if their behavior is wrong. For instance youmight say, "Johnny, I understand that you are angry about yourbrother breaking your toy, that wasn't fair, but it is not okayto hit when you are angry." The child needs to know that hisfeelings are validated and should also be given some ideas abouthow to handle the situation better the next time they are in asimilar position.
Anger is a normal emotion for people of all ages, includingchildren. Good communication and modeling good behavior are twoof the best ways to help children learn to deal with anger.Taking the time to praise your child whenever he or she doesanything that is positive can also help them understand what itexpected and feel good about doing what is right. Take the timeto check yourself to see if you spend too much time beingnegative or angry and find ways to be more positive. If theparents in the home aren't dealing with anger appropriately,they can't expect the child to. Be willing to admit when you arewrong and apologize to your child, teaching them to do the same.If you suspect that your child has a serious anger problem, itmay be time to get some additional help and guidance.
Source: http://www.isnare.com
Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=334230&ca=Parenting
Anger becomes a problem when it causes negative, aggressivebehavior, gets out of control and when the root cause of theproblem isn't being dealt with. For instance, often childrenwith undiagnosed learning disabilities will have frequent angryoutbursts. They may be feeling frustrated because they arestruggling to learn and it may feel like the world is closing inon them when parents or teachers suggest that they aren't tryinghard enough or doing their best. Because the child isn't able todeal with the real issue, they become angry over small incidentsthat would normally be insignificant. This helps them to avoidfeeling "stupid" or incapable. Once the problem is discoveredand the child gets the help, support and proper discipline thatis needed, the angry outbursts become less frequent or disappearaltogether.
It is important that children learn how to express theiremotions in a healthy and constructive manner. A child shouldnever be told that their feelings are wrong, though they mayneed reminding if their behavior is wrong. For instance youmight say, "Johnny, I understand that you are angry about yourbrother breaking your toy, that wasn't fair, but it is not okayto hit when you are angry." The child needs to know that hisfeelings are validated and should also be given some ideas abouthow to handle the situation better the next time they are in asimilar position.
Anger is a normal emotion for people of all ages, includingchildren. Good communication and modeling good behavior are twoof the best ways to help children learn to deal with anger.Taking the time to praise your child whenever he or she doesanything that is positive can also help them understand what itexpected and feel good about doing what is right. Take the timeto check yourself to see if you spend too much time beingnegative or angry and find ways to be more positive. If theparents in the home aren't dealing with anger appropriately,they can't expect the child to. Be willing to admit when you arewrong and apologize to your child, teaching them to do the same.If you suspect that your child has a serious anger problem, itmay be time to get some additional help and guidance.
Source: http://www.isnare.com
Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=334230&ca=Parenting
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You
We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger.
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."
Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.
It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.
What About Assertiveness Training?
It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger.
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."
Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.
It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.
What About Assertiveness Training?
It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run
From Anger To Peace Of Mind
Anger is a serious problem for one in every five Americans.
Road rage, workplace violence, domestic abuse and even addiction
are just a few of its many expressions.
Today we fear all kinds of external enemies. It is not so easy
to realize, however, that the worse enemy we face is the anger
that resides within us, the terror it causes and the ways this
poison affects so much of our lives. However, there are many
specific steps we can take to root this toxin out of our lives.
As we do the results will be reflected in our mental, emotional
and physical well-being.
Anger has many faces. It appears in various forms and creates
different consequences. Most anger lurks beneath the surface and
manifests in hidden ways – as depression, anxiety, apathy,
hopelessness, etc.
Some of The 24 Forms of Anger –
The first step in rooting anger out of our lives is becoming
aware of it. When anger is allowed to remain camouflaged it
holds us in its grip. By recognizing the 24 forms of anger, we
will be able to shine a flashlight on the hidden enemy. Then we
can choose to eliminate each one of these forms of anger, one a
day and replace it with a healthy antidote.
To begin we will look at a few of the 24 forms of anger, and
its effect upon your life:
Straighforward Anger – Attack.
This is anger that is clear-cut and easy to recognize. It
comes right out and can easily turn into verbal, emotional or
physical abuse. Many regret it afterwards.
Hypocrisy –
You are angry, but hide it beneath a smile and present a false
front, pretending to be someone you’re not. Although you think
you are fooling others, in truth you are losing yourself and
your own self-respect.
Depression –
Depression is anger turned against oneself. It comes from not
being able to identify or express the anger one is feeling.
This anger then turns into depression.
Passive Agression –
This is a form of anger expressed not by what we do but
by what we do not do. We refuse to give the other person what
they ask for, want or need and make it seem as though they are
the one that is overly demanding. This is a way of expressing
anger silently and blaming the other for what we have set in
motion.
Steps To Dissolving Anger
Needless to say there are many specific steps to take to undo
different forms of anger. We will offer some samples. The
important point to realize is that anger can be dsissolved in a
moment. We can choose to see things differently. We can choose
to make a different response.
It takes only a moment to escalate a situation, but in that
same moment, the trouble could be de-escalated. We must stop in
the middle of automatic anger that arises, and take charge of
what is going on. We have the right and will to choose our
response.
Sample Ways To De-Esclate Anger:
1)Straightforward Attack:
Stop in the middle of a situation in which you either feel
angry or are being attacked. Expand your vistas. Rather than
respond in a knee-jerk manner, say to yourself, “Like me, this
person has suffered. Like me, this person wants to be happy,
like me this person experiences loneliness and loss.”
As you do this, you are recognizing the similarities and common
humanity you share, rather than focus on the differences. For a
moment, allow the person to be right. You have plenty of time to
be right later. Ask yourself, what is more important to you, to
be “right” or to be free of anger, to be compassionate?
2)Hypocrisy:
When you notice yourself pretending, lying, exaggerating or
deceiving, stop. Tell the truth at that moment. Be the truth. If
you do not know what the truth is, be silent and become aware of
what the deepest truth is for you and the other. (This will not
only restore good will, it will connect you with what is most
meaningful.)
3)Depression:
Make friends with yourself today. When we are depressed, we are
rejecting, hating and blaming ourselves. Undo this false state
of mind. Find five things you admire and respect about who you
are. Focus on sharing your good qualities with another. In
depression we are only absorbed with ourselves. A wonderful
antidote is to become absorbed with how you can reach out to and
help another.
As we root anger out of our lives, and find meaningful
substitutions not only our lives but the lives of our loved
ones, friends and acquaintances will be lifted and enhanced.
Source: http://www.isnare.com
Permanent Link:
http://www.isnare.com/?aid=152715&ca=Relationships
Depression And Anger
Uncontrollable anger is related to depression and anxiety.
Being constantly worried about what you cannot control can cause
depression. Living in despair, causes misery therefore will
deteriorate your sound mind. That is why being in control of
one’s anger is helpful whereby it can push negative thoughts
that can bring about dejection and apprehension.
Symptoms of depression and anxiety are many. People who suffer
from these conditions may feel that they are perceived wrongly
by the public. They are always crying out defeat and can no
longer face life. Sometimes they may feel that people are out
there to get them. If you suffer from any of these dilemmas, you
might be on the brink of a breakdown. This article will help you
control negative emotions and thus repress ill feelings and
despair and at the same time, anxiety treatment.
Having a closed perspective can lead you to accumulate your
heated feelings and when it does, it can harm you inwardly.
Accepting that you have a crisis is a step towards resolution.
You need to recognize the core of your problem and then find the
best solution to overcome it. When you have looked deep inside
you, you may find that there are important things that you may
have forsaken all this while. If your problem is people, then
you need to see a doctor because this is a clear sign of mental
instability.
Chemical disproportion of the brain for people who suffer from
anxiety and depression can cause your brain to fool you into
thinking about something non existent. When you always get the
feeling that people are staring at you, you should constantly
remind yourself that people are not always busy with other
people but are only aware of the changes around them. They are
just as conscious as you are about their surroundings. If that
is still too much for you, just try to go on with your life. You
may also want to seek anxiety disorder medication to help you
with these ailments as well.
Are the daily chores and duty putting you down? Do your kids
drive you up the walls? Why is it that these things tend to
affect you more that others around you? That is what you think.
The truth is everybody goes through the challenges of life at
some point. All you need to do is to relieve yourself from the
burden and get away from it all once in a while. You can do
something that you enjoy for a change. Exercising can also
release tension. This also helps you achieve a healthier mind
and body.
Don’t try to control something you cannot simply control. Try
to let go and search for ways you can do to solve your problems.
Try to be reasonable with yourself. There is no rush in trying
to achieve everything in a short time. You need to be stress
free to be happy. And when you are happy, you can live your life
to the fullest and be all you want to be in life. However,
always remember to take one step at a time.
It is important to pamper your self each day. Learn some coping
relaxation response techniques that benefit both your mind and
body. If you feel overwhelmed, you might want to inhale and
exhale breaths for up to 10 counts. Curling up on a couch and
watching a favorite movie can benefit your mind and body if you
are letting your thoughts go.
Learn to be content with what you have. Don’t go about thinking
that you can take hold of something that is impossible. Choose
to control your emotions rather than suppressing them.
Therefore, if you don’t learn to manage your anger, it may
emerge from you in the most unpredictable and hideous ways.
Source: http://www.isnare.com
Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=300468&ca=Self+Help
Being constantly worried about what you cannot control can cause
depression. Living in despair, causes misery therefore will
deteriorate your sound mind. That is why being in control of
one’s anger is helpful whereby it can push negative thoughts
that can bring about dejection and apprehension.
Symptoms of depression and anxiety are many. People who suffer
from these conditions may feel that they are perceived wrongly
by the public. They are always crying out defeat and can no
longer face life. Sometimes they may feel that people are out
there to get them. If you suffer from any of these dilemmas, you
might be on the brink of a breakdown. This article will help you
control negative emotions and thus repress ill feelings and
despair and at the same time, anxiety treatment.
Having a closed perspective can lead you to accumulate your
heated feelings and when it does, it can harm you inwardly.
Accepting that you have a crisis is a step towards resolution.
You need to recognize the core of your problem and then find the
best solution to overcome it. When you have looked deep inside
you, you may find that there are important things that you may
have forsaken all this while. If your problem is people, then
you need to see a doctor because this is a clear sign of mental
instability.
Chemical disproportion of the brain for people who suffer from
anxiety and depression can cause your brain to fool you into
thinking about something non existent. When you always get the
feeling that people are staring at you, you should constantly
remind yourself that people are not always busy with other
people but are only aware of the changes around them. They are
just as conscious as you are about their surroundings. If that
is still too much for you, just try to go on with your life. You
may also want to seek anxiety disorder medication to help you
with these ailments as well.
Are the daily chores and duty putting you down? Do your kids
drive you up the walls? Why is it that these things tend to
affect you more that others around you? That is what you think.
The truth is everybody goes through the challenges of life at
some point. All you need to do is to relieve yourself from the
burden and get away from it all once in a while. You can do
something that you enjoy for a change. Exercising can also
release tension. This also helps you achieve a healthier mind
and body.
Don’t try to control something you cannot simply control. Try
to let go and search for ways you can do to solve your problems.
Try to be reasonable with yourself. There is no rush in trying
to achieve everything in a short time. You need to be stress
free to be happy. And when you are happy, you can live your life
to the fullest and be all you want to be in life. However,
always remember to take one step at a time.
It is important to pamper your self each day. Learn some coping
relaxation response techniques that benefit both your mind and
body. If you feel overwhelmed, you might want to inhale and
exhale breaths for up to 10 counts. Curling up on a couch and
watching a favorite movie can benefit your mind and body if you
are letting your thoughts go.
Learn to be content with what you have. Don’t go about thinking
that you can take hold of something that is impossible. Choose
to control your emotions rather than suppressing them.
Therefore, if you don’t learn to manage your anger, it may
emerge from you in the most unpredictable and hideous ways.
Source: http://www.isnare.com
Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=300468&ca=Self+Help
Anger Management Technique: What Is Anger?
Doing the job that I do as a hypnotherapist I have dealt with many cases from men and woman that just get a little flustered when they don’t get their own way or can’t get their point across. I have also dealt with people that in the same types of situations have used unacceptable force to make their opinions known. Unfortunately the difference in these two types of people is sometimes only time as if they don’t learn to control their anger, it will ultimately get worse. The other thing that I notice when helping anger management clients is that it tends to be a Jackal and Hyde situation where they can actually be really nice people – until they get angry.
Nearly all of my past and present anger management clients have said that it is almost like other people are pressing their buttons or are winding them up when they get angry. However this is not true as what really is happening is that when a person becomes angry, they become more sensitive to certain things that are going on around them. Because of this sensitivity and anger that it is associated to, an angry person can perceive that someone else is winding them up, even is the other person is actually trying to help.
As a hypnotherapist, there are many techniques and ways of doing things that I can utilise to help with anger management in order to assist a client in bringing their emotions under control and also to communicate their points of view effectively. In fact, communication is a large part of the process as when a person can get the results that they want with someone else without losing control or flying off the handle then there is no need for anger to be used as a mechanism to get ones point across.
Source: www.isnare.com
Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=145182&ca=Self+Help
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Doornails In The Balustrade
I recommend you to read this story, it is very useful to learn why you should control your character and behavior. Many people can be hurt, if you don’t control yourself. Don’t let your tongue be faster that your brain. Think twice before saying something to people, or if you better like, count to tenJ By telling you this wonderful story, you will see on your own, why is so important to control the anger, the character and behavior.
Once upon a time there was a boy, who had a very bed character. He has insulted everybody, when he was nervous, without thinking of how that affects people that were arround him. He simply couldn’t control nis attitude. His father has noticed that, and decided to stop his son. One day the father gave to his son a bag full with doornails. Than he said to his son: Every time when you lose the control of yourself, nail one doornail in the balustrade. The son decided to listen his father’s advice, and started with nailing doornails in the balustrade. On the first day the boy nailed thirty seven doornails. In the next few months the boy had lerned how to control his anger, and releazed that is easier for him to control himself, than to nail doornails in the balustrade every time when he lose the control of his anger. At least, came the day when the boy didn’t nail a doornail in the balustrade. He went to his father, and told him that, that day he hadn’t lose the control of his character. Then his father gave him an other task, and said him: Every time when you will control your attitude take one nail out the balustrade. The days passed by, and then came the day when the boy told his father that has taked all the nails out the balustrate. The father taked his son by the hand and took his son to the balustrade. The he said to him: You had done the right thing my son, but look all these apertures in the balustrade. The balustrade will never be the same again. When you in anger tell some things, they leave stigmatas like are these apertudes in the balustrade.
You can pierce through a man with a knife and take out the knife. Than you can say a milion times sorry, but it isn’t matter any more , you have already pierce through the man. The aperture stays no matter you have apologized. The verbal cut hurts like the physical cut. The friends are rarely precious stones. They make you smile, make you braver to make success in something, they are always ready to hear you when you are in a difficult situation, they share your paint, have a beautiful word for you and they always have an open heart for you. That’s why you should always take care about your behaviour with your friend and your well-beloved.
The boy was very greatfull to his father, and from that day he took care about the way he behaved with his friends and well-beloved, because he didn’t want to lose any of them because of his stupid behaviour. The first thing he did after that day was to apologize to the ones that he had hurted by can’t controling his anger. He knew that the things are already told and now it’s late to change the already said words, but on some way that will make the things a little easier. Also he promised to himself, and to his well-beloved that never again will hurt the ones who means a lot in his life, by his anger.
Tell this story to all of your well-beloved and friends, and let them know how much they mean to you. Tell your friend and well-beloved that you are happy to have them in your life, that is an honor for you the fact that they exist in your life, no matter why and for how long. The imortant thing is that they exist, now and here. And in the end don’t forget to tell your well-beloved that you are very sorry if you have ever made a apertures in their balustrades.
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